Bittersweet

Here it is, the night before Jacob comes into our world and I am kind of freaking out. I thought I was prepared, but I'm not. I wonder if anyone can ever be prepared for another kid. I thought I was prepared for the first one and she totally rocked my world. She changed everything. And it wasn't bad, just a lot of change. And now the thought of our lives without her is truly terrifying and sad. She's changed everything, and now Jacob's coming and he's going to change everything again.

I cried after leaving Bekah's room tonight. I read a few extra books and lingered with her in her bed longer than normal. I sang ALL the verses to her favorite songs, not cutting them short like I often do. I cried because it just won't be the same again. It won't be just the three of us. It won't be as easy as it is now, at least not for a while. I won't get to focus all my attention on her and just enjoy her. My time and attention will be forever divided now and that's a sad thought for me. I've heard that your heart and capacity for loving just expands for each new child, but as I can't see/understand that at this point, I'm just a little scared about it all.

And not like I didn't ask for this. We prayed for months about when to get pregnant, and then it happened right away and I was so happy. And I've had nine FULL months to get ready for this and still, here I am, hours before it finally happens, and I'm kind of sad.

And then I think about Jacob, and I get so excited! I actually get to hold him tomorrow and have him. I get to bury my nose in his neck and breath his newness. I get to love him and enjoy him and learn new things with him. I feel so anxious to finally get him here so I can move on to the next step, the step where I'm a mother of TWO and I love each of them as individuals; where I appreciate each of them for their wonderful uniqueness. And I know it will definitely be a big adjustment, just like it was the first time. There are a few months of sleep deprivation ahead, and I'm honestly not thrilled about that. But the beauty of being a second-time mom is that I KNOW there's a light at the end of the tunnel. It will get better again, and sooner than I think. And when I emerge from the craziness, I'm sure I'll be very happy with my children. I'm SURE of it.

But tonight, with the rest of the pregnancy hormones coursing through me, and the "good stress" of a looming induction, and the thoughts of leaving behind my first baby for a new one, I'm feeling some seriously conflicting emotions. I'm pretty sure I'm as ready as I can be, and I have real faith that it will be okay, even if I can't FEEL it right now.