This post will be like a journal entry; I need to vent. If you come here looking for pictures of my adorable daughter or funny stories, you can just skip this post. I won't be offended because I'll never know.
I've been searching for apartment managing positions since April. I've submitted my resume to at least 60 places and only received 3 interviews; none of them has landed me a job. I am fighting the battle of the inexperienced. I don't have any history with managing apartments, so I'm sure some of those employers aren't even giving my resume a second look. I personally feel like I have a lot of experience--how is managing 40 twelve-year-olds any different than managing 40 tenants? If they'd just ask me in for an interview, I know I could sell myself. I did at the last interview, and they REALLY liked me, but the owner wanted someone without kids so that my attention wouldn't be divided. Seriously?! Lame.
I've got a position lined up for plan B. Until the apartment job comes through, I'll be a substitute. Might as well use that college education! I plan on working three days a week and being home with Bekah the other two. I still haven't found a sitter that will work for this, so that gives me stress. And I hate that the times I'll be working (7:30 to 3:30) will seriously mess with her nap schedule. But it's a great gig--I get paid a good amount and I don't have to deal with three of the worst parts of teaching: writing lesson plans, grading work, and dealing with parents! It'll mean time away from Rebekah, but not nearly as much as if I were a full-time teacher. The way I figure it, it won't even be as time consuming as half-time teaching like last year. I still had to plan, grade, and deal with parents, and I did all of that from home, so I wasn't really WITH the baby during that crap anyway. It was like I was working a full-time job but getting half-time pay.
And here's the whole point of this search: I want to have a job that will allow me to be at home with Rebekah more but still contribute to the household income. That's the bottom line, and I suddenly realized it today. I don't get to stay at home. I HAVE to leave for at least part of the time in order for us to survive here. Blech.
I was looking for jobs on craigslist for the SECOND time in one day--did I really think there'd be something new only four hours after the last time I'd checked?! There wasn't. In a moment of frustration, I clicked on the education category; just let me LOOK at jobs that feel familiar for a while. And as I read through them, I found some that ask for private tutors or helping students prepare for state tests by tutoring them online. Some of them were offering $40 to $50 an hour. I'd have to commit to some sessions on Saturdays, but that's not too bad. Heck, I could do that! If I could only get a job that would let me be home as much as possible.
And I focused on that for a bit. The idea of being home. And the reality is, that's just not gonna happen right now. I so badly want to have the life where I stay at home with the kids (well, there will be more later, just one now!) and Malcom goes to work. He wins the bread, brings the bacon, and I get to have the stresses and joys of mommy life. I see others who have it, and I really want it.
But I'm not them, and I'm not where they are in life right now. I have to deal with my home and my life where it is, not try to push it so hard into being something it's not.
I realized that the plan B of subbing might just become the plan A. With those other tutoring jobs I found, I'd still have to get daycare. Sure, it'd be less hours than subbing because the pay is awesome, but I'd still be away from her. And setting up appointments with individual families, getting random payments, learning a whole new system of teaching over the internet, or giving up Saturdays would bring other stresses. It makes more sense to stick with the stresses I know in the public schools if I'm gonna be away from Bekah anyway.
Might as well give the subbing thing a fair shot. If I really don't like it, maybe I'll move on to plan C and try those tutoring jobs. I guess I'll still look for apartment jobs online, but for now, I'm going to take a break. Subbing will bring in enough to pay the rent, and I'll still be with Rebekah after teaching, and all day during the rest of the week. Besides, I get to enjoy some of the best parts about teaching, all the vacations, hanging out with kids, and leaving work at 3:30.
Not too bad, for now.
7 comments:
What a bum deal. Those management positions can be fun and monitarily worth it; I'd give you a chance if I were looking. :)
The other options aren't so hot, either. I can see why you're frustrated. Sorry. Sometimes I feel like I should be helping Aaron, but now with TWO kids, daycare or sitting would skyrocket, so I'd have to find something from home...like you. Good luck!
I work full-time from home and believe me, it's no picnic... if a mother has to work, I truly often envy mothers who work OUTSIDE the home! Seriously! ;-) Something will come along that is meant to be... maybe you are just supposed to remain in the teaching field -- one never knows what the reasons for that could be! :-)
I totally understand your comment! I wish I was home with Elise, but there is no way we could afford it. I think we are in the same boat with the teaching bit too. Jared is having such a hard time trying to find a job. It's really annoying that I keep hearing how special ed is needed yet he can't get a job. Things that make you go hmmm. I don't know if you are interested but I took an apartment managing course at a community college. I think it helped us a little get our job. I was also thinking that if you wanted Cyndi to watch her she would be willing. She used to be a nanny and she is watching Elise when Jared goes to work. And have you thought about asking Krista? I heard she was wanting more kids to watch. Just a thought. Or maybe you could watch kids at your place. Kinda like what Holli Wyett used to do. Ok, sorry for the novel.
I feel your pain. I wanted to let you know what we ended up doing with Sarah. I actually found a someone to watch her, a mom, on craigslist. She's watching Sarah 12 hours a week while I'm at school. She is amazing with Sarah and has a daughter Sarah's age, so basically she supervises a 12 hour playdate a week. She costs us about 50 bucks more a week than our original sitter(who was arguable cheap). Just throwing that option out. Hang in there. It will work out. It always does! HUGS!
I think it's a good idea you vented. Helps sort out our thoughts sometimes.
I can totally feel your pain. Mostly because I know you well and know how much this opportunity means to you, but also because I can remember the handful of YEARS I waited to be a stay at home mom. I hated it. I hated the scorn and guilt I felt for being a mom who HAD to go to work. I hated the stress about money and not feeling like I didn't fit in with the other moms in the church. I hated thinking that I wasn't good enough. Over time I think I finally realized that all of that scorn and guilt was coming from inside me and not from anyone else. No one was putting that pressure on me, I just put it there myself. So it sounds like you are learning to "let it go" and not obsess over something that you are doing for the best of your family. It doesn't make you any less of a wonderful mother to go to work. You have righteous desires, and you will be rewarded for that, some way or another, at some due time down the road.
*May that time be sooner than later!*
I'm so sorry Linds!
I hope something comes up SOON. As in, way soon.
Keep your chin up - something good will happen, and you'll deserve it when it does.
Love you.
If you like teaching, perhaps you could do a "Preschool" at your home. You could do either mornings or afternoons 2 or 2 1/2 hours. It would be a lot easier than doing a "daycare" and not take as much time.
I don't have too many other thoughts on that, I did do sewing for money from my home when we had 4 kids. That was actually pretty lucrative, but we lived on Base and I had an endless source of stripes and patches that needed sewing. Brainless work.
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